Setting Healthy Limits With Children
Being
a parent is perhaps the hardest job any of us will ever do! It takes a tremendous amount of hard work and a willingness to
put 'the best interests of the children first'. A note of caution here: 'best interests' does NOT mean putting children in
charge of the decision-making in a family. No, a healthy parent knows that they are the
adult and makes decisions that will be to their child's ultimate benefit. Children deserve to be allowed to BE children
and have adults in their lives that will nurture them and set appropriate limits. By setting appropriate limits, a parent
provides a safe place for a child to grow and explore the world.
So often in therapy I see families where the children
whine and plead with the parents until the parents give in and do what their children demand.
By
doing this, parents are TEACHING their children that whining works and that if they badger long enough, the parent will
give in.
In the long run this produces out of control children and a very
unhappy family system.
Children have a 'job' as children. That job is to PUSH THE BOUNDARIES! (That's how children
figure out where their skin 'ends' and the world 'begins'. ) A parent's job is to set clear and consistent boundaries so that
their child can feel safe and secure within the limits of those boundaries.
I recommend that parents
use the following guidelines with their children:
"YES, means yes." This
means that the parent has given the O.K. for something. It's critical that a parent follow-through with their permission on
this issue.
"NO, means no. PERIOD." This means it is the end of the discussion and that
the parent has made a decision that he/she will stick to! No whining. No arguments. No further discussion.
* For
a parent to 'teach' this concept to a child; it is vital that they remain strong and NOT waver from their decision. It will
take some practice, but a parent can learn to be consistent and make "No" actually mean No.
"I'll
think about it and get back to you" means that the parent WILL consider the child's request and get back to
him/her in a timely manner. Parents......now you really do need to consider the request and let the child
know what you've decided as soon as you can do so.
When a parent argues with their child, he/she
sets up a very unhealthy communication pattern. Getting into an argument with the child teaches the child that it is O.K.
to ignore the parent's decision on some issue and continue badgering in the hopes that the parent will change his/her
mind. It's a far better plan to develop consistency with saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
Tone of Voice
Often when I'm
out in a public situation, I hear people talking to their children or to their partner in a hostile tone of voice.
There is an 'edge' to their voice that suggests there is a subtle put down in what they are saying.
When that happens; I often ask myself,
"Would they use THAT tone of voice with their best friend?"
Think about it?
Can you think of a time when you may have used a harsh and critical tone of voice in talking with
a loved one?
If so, I urge you to pay attention to the tone of voice that
you use and treat those closest
to you
as if
they WERE your best friend.
Ending a Couple Relationship is Different
Than Ending a Parenting Relationship.........
Parents are Forever!
Once a couple has children together, they remain 'linked' in spite of the fact that they
may end their relationship as a couple. A couple may decide that they no longer want to be together. They may move on to form
new and different partner relationships. However......being a Father and a Mother is FOREVER. It is critical that
a mother and a father learn how to BE the parent that their child needs them to be. They may no longer be a couple, but the
need to be a parent continues for many years.
It's helpful to begin to speak about your
ex partner in a different way. Rather than say, "My ex, etc." it helps to begin to think of that person as "My
son's dad" or "My children's mother". Using the reference to the children reminds everyone concerned
that your roles are different and that the focus is on being PARENTS, not partners.
Under
most circumstances, children benefit from having both of their parents actively provide for them. It is possible for parents
to each provide a safe and protected home for the children that they have brought into the world. Note....... it is not easy
to be co-parents; but it is most often in the best interests of the children for the parents to learn the skills necessary
to co-parent the children, even though the couple relationship has ended.
There are some simple
rules that help parents establish a healthy co-parenting relationship...........
#1 A parent should never
speak 'ill' of the other parent. This means also, no put-downs in words or tone of voice. Keep your negative opinions
of the other parent to yourself. It is never a good idea to be critical of the other parent with your child. All that
does, is force the child into becoming the advocate for that other parent. It places the child right in the middle between
two warring parents. Rather, a parent committed to building a co-parenting relationship will work hard to keep the child from
ever being caught in the middle between parents.
#2 Parents who are no longer a couple must learn to put the best
interests of their children FIRST. That means that they must work together to build a Parenting Plan. A Parenting Plan does
not mean that the parents must agree in all areas, but it does mean that each parent must learn to be respectful
and support the other parent as they each provide a safe home for the child.
#3 A co-parenting parent will
need to establish healthy boundaries with extended family members and insist that all family members respect the child's
relationship with his/her mother and father. To do otherwise, undermines the security and welfare of the child.
#4
It is helpful to make use of a therapist as parents learn their new roles as co-parents. An objective highly trained third
party can help ease the process of dealing with old wounds, help improve communication and assist the parents in building
two safe and nurturing homes for the child.
Work together to determine and follow through
with what is in the best interests of the children.